Up until now, I've always wished I had the skill of selling myself.

Why is it that other people always seem to succeed at what I've always considered myself to be good at? Why is it that I always fail, even though sometimes I get the feeling I can do better than the others?

When I was a little girl, I thought I'm smart. Not true.
When I grew a little, I thought my writing was witty and funny and my drawings were quite good. Not true.
Not too long ago, I thought that although I'm no good at anything else, at least I could speak acceptable English. Hey, I said to myself, many people don't even get as far as to use their second language's grammar (almost) correctly. That wasn't true.
Sometimes I get a feeling my jewelery is quite cute. That is not true either.

I wonder, is it because I always tend to overestimate myself, which is quite unacceptable concerning such a shitty and good for nothing individual?

Must be so, all the others, even those who suck at something completely, must still be better than me.

I mean - it cannot simply be the matter of selling or not selling myself well. I doubt it that opportunities are willing to await just anyone. It must be that there is and there will always be someone better than me.

I'm quite ashamed of myself, who keeps on clutching to the thought that it's not me, that it's my sociophobia which keeps me out of the game. The game called "life", the game called "career", or the game called "progress", perhaps. In movies, people who are worth something always get their talents discovered. The same seems to be happening quite a lot in real life. It's just that it's never me.

It's really hard to give up the comforting "I'm better, I just don't know how to show it" way of thinking. I'm such a conceited girl.

I'm also a girl who's gotten too tired of standing still, while everyone all around her seems to be in endless progress. It's depressing how I'll never go past the level of a little child. Both with my skills and my life experience. I don't know how to be a big girl. I don't even know how to be 15. How am I to know, then, how to be a grown up 20 year-old woman?

Thinking that I should already be in the middle of pursuing the career of my lifetime makes me cry. Sometimes I wonder - maybe I'm just retarded and everyone else is keeping it away from me for fun? I hardly see any other explanation now.


Someone actually accepting what I do and how I do that will never happen and I must bear with it.